[[• Contemplations Within Struggle •]] [[• v.23 Midnight Enchantment •]]

The Magician

Meira Kurosaki. Xedosarthea. Rey Za Burrel Barvon. Female, born on May 27, 1988. Loves anime / manga, coffee, going online, lazing around, yaoi, shounen-ai, anime music, J-pop/J-rock, angsting, drawing, procrastinating, listening to music. Narrow-minded. Weird. College student. Does not have a bright future. XD

Related links

Albion Palace

Methuselah Empire

Recent Music

Fleurs du Mal

The Ghetto

The Gate

Ichiraku Ramen Forum
Minitokyo | Anime Paper
VN Manga | Evil Empire
Gendou.com | Gaia Online
Jpop Jrock Rotation
Not A Shrimp | OFF RAMP
Kingdom of Knuffel

Drops of Blood

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My Name

ANGELI - Adventurous. Neat. Glorious. Elegant. Luscious(?!). Inspirational.

MEIRA - Misunderstood. Exquisite. Insane. Radiant. Artistic.
And your name means...?

Other Stuff

Link me banners:
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This site is certified 43% evil and 57% good by the Gematriculator.

The layout

The current layout features Syaoran and Sakura from the anime/manga Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle. The pic was downloaded from the Aethereality Gallery. This layout was designed/edited by me with the use of Notepad and Adobe Photoshop. Except for the image/s, fonts, textures/patterns and brushes used, everything else is mine, so no take and no ripping off. Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle is © CLAMP. This layout was uploaded on August 19, 2007.

The mood icons

Weee.. XD The GS/GSD Club mood icons are credited to The Gundam Seed Community @ LJ for posting(?) and/or advertising these mood icons. It features the SEED Club, which is like a collection of chibi Gundam SEED/Destiny pics. They're so cute, and I can't resist using them. The icons were supposed to be for LJ blogs only, but anyway... So, yeah.. I'm crediting.. so I guess it's okay.. hehehe *salutes* ^^;

Waii~ XD And~ the Trinity Blood mood icons... they're created by me, so no take and no ripping off. Thank you. XD *salutes*

My Tarot Card

Positive: The Chariot card represents the need to take control of ones actions to rise above the conflicts in ones life. The Chariot alerts us of the need to draw energy not only from our material resources but from within as well. The Chariot reminds us that we must have balanced energy in order to reap the rewards of all that life has given us. The Chariot represents a dualistic nature and that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Focus and awareness is necessary in order to make the most out of the situation. Most importantly, the Chariot represents the need to hold on tightly to the reigns because should we let go we will face the likelihood of going way off course. Ultimately, if we don't hold tight and steer our way through, our life can get way out of control.

Negative: When reversed this card represents a lack of drive and focus or letting others manipulate us to their own ends. It can also mean arrogance or foolhardy behavior. A lack of control and imbalanced thought.

Monday, May 30, 2005
untitled IV

I assume that my depression last night is the reason I woke up late, correct?

For some reason, my mind feels blank today. Probably because of oversleeping. Nevertheless, I am quite fine, but still quite depressed. I am not sure why but I feel more depressed without my dad around. But fear not, for he shall come home today [from Baguio, along with my nephew, unfortunately]. At least, I shall have someone to embrace once again...

I know this is not the place to share about stuff like this, but I have no outlet after all. So I have no other place to share, except here.

For the past few weeks, ever since my sick/bedridden grandmother stayed in our house, I felt so "far away" from my mother. We don't embrace that often, and most of our conversations have turned into sermons or "homilies". Honestly. I don't feel much love anymore. It is against my will that these things are happening; and I don't really want this to happen. I have to resort to some measures to keep the mother-daughter relationship intact, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to work. Oh, and my mom's been more short-tempered these days. It's quite understandable though. She's stressed.

And for once, I feel like doing something for her. But every time I do that, she makes comments. And comments sometimes discourage me.

And for the nth time, I feel useless.

We had a little argument last night, about some things that are not really important; and about things that I don't want to enumerate. But arguments affect my being. And for me it is quite disturbing.

The guild also had a short argument yesterday, and even if it is just online, it still affects me. I lost friends before, and I don't want to lose them again. It's all too heavy for me. I was on the verge of crying, but I held my tears back. I tried my best to fix the situation between two of my guildmates; and just as things were getting better, my mom had to barge in my room and tell me to sleep. I snapped back, telling her to wait, which initiated her long line of comments again. I tried my best to contain my anger, and tears were coming out. Fortunately my mom didn't see that.

But, all those pain went crashing upon me.

Thoughts about my friends.

Thoughts about my family.

And, lastly, thoughts about myself.

I hurriedly turned off the computer, turned off the lights, and lied down on the bed. My mom wasn't facing my way. She was still awake, but silent. I cried myself to sleep, after all, she won't see the tears in the dark. I slept with my pillow which was moist with tears. I stirred in my sleep, having around 2 nightmares which I can't seem to remember. I felt my mom "whip" the blanket on me, and I wondered if she really cared about me at that time.

And, sometimes, I just thought: "What if I vanished from the face of the earth now?"

Probably no one would care. I'd just fade from their memories. And my reputation shall be tarnished forever.

And my soul will forever be tortured.

0 broken chains [+] 2:36 PM